November 12, 2010

It wasn't about me / It really will

Robert took me to "A Night with the Chapmans" last night.  He knows I have loved Steven Curtis' latest CD, Beauty Will Rise, and offered to take me.  (He doesn't really like concerts, so this was totally for my sake.  He's a good man!)  It was quite a thoughtful evening for me.  Beauty Will Rise is a project that was written in the midst of their family's journey of healing after the tragic loss of their four year old daughter.

It wasn't about me ~
As I sat there listening the songs about pain, heartache, trust, and faith I wept.  I know these songs well, and they almost always bring tears.  I was singing along, weeping at the truths of goodness woven in.  I was weeping for a sweet young friend hurting desperately as she is just in the beginning of the heartwrenching pain of infertility.  And I was weeping for a couple I know well who is still in the ashes of marital unfaithfulness, but knowing there is hope. 

Then I had a very odd thought.  I realized I wasn't weeping for me.  I was crying as I thought of the pain I know the pain of infertility well, but I wasn't crying for me.  And frankly, I was just kind of thankful, because I wasn't sure it would ever really hurt any less.

It really will  ~
A little over two years ago the Lord led me to study the different names and attributes of God with Jacob.  I felt in particular I was supposed to study that He is our Healer.  I learned quickly the study wasn't for Jacob at all... it was for me.  He was preparing me to be steadfast in my conviction that He is Jehovah-Rapha... He is our healer.

Within a month of studying this, I was all too close (though not in my own marriage) to the horrific pain and heartache caused by marital unfaithfulness.  The study wasn't for Jacob at all. It was for his mama.

I bought the Beauty will Rise CD for this woman, as I'd loved it and cried through it a lot of times!  It has such a message of hope I wanted to share.  I don't even know if she has ever to listened to it, but I pray this hope over the situation regularly.  It's been a long time, and it seemed like healing was nowhere close, like it was stalled, like it was just stuffed deep in a bag that no one would look hard enough for.  I want the healing for them so badly, but I can't make it happen.  All I can do is pray.

Then the Lord made a big connection in my mind... I've been encouraging them to dig in, keep fighting through it, don't let it go stuffed away.  I've been sad as I watch the pain rob days of joy, energy and hope and rob relationships of depth and growth.  Sad for their sake and for mine.  But it wasn't lost on me that last night, at the same time I arrived at the concert that would speak to issues of hurt, loss, hope and healing, they were attending their first counseling appointment at a new counselor in over a year... one I've pushed for and prayed for a very long time.  And I don't know if they needed the reminder at all, but I did.  God saw my need, my discouragement and sadness and was thoughtful enough to put both events at the same time.  He just loves me that way.