February 28, 2010

So Long Insecurity: Week 2, edition 2 : )

So after typing out this entire post, I had a lot to think and pray about. Being forced to make it all make sense (because someone may read it) is so good for me because it forces me to get all the way through an issue in my brain as opposed to thinking about it and putting it in some brain file that never gets brought to the Light.  

Interestingly enough, I thought I had quite a bit of praying to do, chewing on the issue of the fear of abandonment, rejection, etc.  But I realized there isn't any praying to do except to thank the Lord for his light.  The acknowledgement and confession of the sin of jealousy and fear was what I needed!  

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  1 John 1:9 

In asking the Lord to show me my sin, His conviction, and my subsequent confession there is freedom and forgiveness.  He has shone His light in my darkness and exposed the sin for what it is.  (I saw it as insecurity, He showed me the fruit of that insecurity was sin.)

"The light shines in the darkness, yet the darkness did not overcome it."  John 1:5

Praise the Lord for His light that He shines in the dark areas of our hearts!  Praise Him for being willing to walk this journey with me.  Praise Him for the freedom I have today from the sin I carried yesterday.  Praise Him for the freedom He offers me when I take every thought captive and choose to praise Him for the way He made me.

"I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well."  Psalm 139:14

And Praise Him for the rest there is in knowing that He created me with this set of characteristics, so He must have thought I was acceptable, delightful, enough.  Praise Him for the lightness in my relationship with Robert as I realize how unfair it is to him when I look to him for my security.  And like my anonymous commenter said, God is big enough to get me through people's failures when they happen.  (Thank you for that encouragement!) And remembering our challenge in chapter 3, praise Him that I'm one step closer to letting "the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of  me increasingly overtake my earthen vessel until it drives my every emotion, reaction, and relationship." 

February 27, 2010

I can't believe they're this comfortable!

There is a lot of hype about the funny-looking shoes that have the curved, almost 2 inch tall sole.  I tried on a pair two years ago, but it was one of the $200 + pairs, and I wasn't nearly brave enough to put that much into a pair of shoes!  

My legs, feet, knees and lower back hurt often, and spending a day on my feet in anything other than a really good pair of tennis shoes or new Borns is a recipe for pain.  Not debilitating pain, but annoying, who-wants-to-get-out-of-bed-in-the-morning-when-your-legs-already-hurt? kind of ache.  So I've been tempted by these shoes and what I keep hearing about the absence of back and leg pain.
When I saw a pair of these on sale (for $50!) at a discount store the other day, I put them on while I walked around the store... just for an extended trying on.  :)  By the end of the hour in the store, I could feel my hamstrings being stretched.  For real!  I thought it was a coincidence for sure.  But I ended up buying them because I'm about due for a new pair, they were really comfortable, and these were such a great deal.  (I realize they're not as cute and trendy as the Skechers, but I've never tried on a pair of Skechers that had a sole with enough cushion enough for me, and comfort is more important than looks where my feet are concerned.  Sorry, Val.)

It's been three days now and I can't believe how comfortable they are!  My hamstrings still feel stretched, by stomach muscles are feeling worked out, and ... drum roll please... neither my legs nor feet hurt!  Woohoo!  You'll think I'm making this up, but my posture is much better too.  When I stand, looking in the mirror and compare my shoulder position in these should and barefoot, there is a big difference!  Since my shoulders are often tight and giving me headaches, I'm hoping this will help.

I have to say I'm converted.  I'm already keeping my eyes out for a pair of sandals with this technology.  Unfortunately, the ones I like are not on sale for $50.  But a girl can pray!

I'm procrastinating - So Long Insecurity Week 2

I think this gets the award on my blog as the most real post ever.  Well, most real, ugly, embarrassingly immature post ever.  And it's a long one.

Here are Beth's questions for chapters 3 and 4.
1. Based on Chapter Three, what tends to be your own "Prominent False Positive"?  
By "prominent false positive," in short, Beth means something we assume (that if we had it) would make us totally secure in ourselves.  As far as a prominent false positive, I really don't know what that would be for me.  I know every woman probably struggles with insecurities, and I know the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side.  Being one of those people that appears confident to those around me (yet second guesses myself left and right), I would assume that others who appear confident might not be either. 

2. What is the challenge stated at the very end of Chapter Three?  
My challenge (personalized) is "to let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of  me increasingly overtake my earthen vessel until it drives my every emotion, reaction, and relationship."
Praise the Lord that He is in the business of working miracles, because that is what that sounds like to me.

3. Based on Chapter Four, what Biblical figure (or statement about him/her) resonated with you most and why?  
This week has been hard for me.  I keep thinking if I put off answering this question in writing, that maybe my answer will change to a less horrible one. :blush: (I keep reading the chapter over again hoping that maybe one of the other characters' stories will resonate more loudly so I can use that answer instead.)  But here goes nothin':  I relate most to Sarah, Hagar, Leah and Rachel.  All of them put together, because root of their struggles was jealousy.  I had to define jealous to see if that's really what it is that I'm feeling.  Here's what I found and how I mean jealous here: Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

I struggle with jealousy.

Ick.  It doesn't get any uglier than that.  In comparison to these women, mine doesn't have anything to do with Robert loving another woman.  I don't say that flippantly as I know many woman are hurting desperately for exactly that reason and my heart hurts for you.  I, on the other hand, struggle with the "in" crowd.  Embarrassingly enough, Robert has pinned me on this one a number of times, but I've tried (unconvincingly, I know) to explain it away.  Honestly, I don't think I realized this for what it was until I've had to look at it squarely in the face.

I have never been part of the "in" crowd.  I was too much of a prude to be cool in school, too afraid of trouble to be the class clown, too average looking (with too many zits) to be any sort of beauty contest winner, too average to win any vocal contests.  Sooooooooo many times in my life I have been in conversations with people who talk to me until someone more appealing (better looking, more interesting, more popular, more animated, funnier, you get the idea) comes along.  And I mean this literally and figuratively.

Interestingly enough, I don't want the more appealing characteristic "they" have.  I am not jealous of the looks, voice, personality, money, like-ability factor "they" have.  As immature as it sounds, I am jealous of the attention they get because of it.  I think it might be that I want to be that appealing, interesting, preferred, ... with the package I've got.  I want to be appealing enough just as I am.  I know God chose the package He put together in me for many reasons, and I'm okay with how He made me.  I think my struggle comes in when I face the reality that while I know God loves me, and quite frankly older people love me for who I am (I've always felt very safe spending time with people who are older than I), my peers prefer someone else.  You just don't even know how scary it feels to write this down where you can read it.  It's hard to not want to go crawl in a hole and cry as I write this, but that's cheating!  I committed to do this thing.

This jealousy is the root of all sorts of insecurity in my heart.  It manifests itself in fears of many things, the most prominent one I realize even as I'm typing this is a fear that Robert will choose someone else one day.  That the person with whom I have shared the most and been most vulnerable, to whom I've committed my life on Earth and given my heart, will one day decide that another woman is more appealing and choose her - for five minutes or a lifetime.

Not sure how I type a sigh of relief.  Processing something like this that drives actions and behaviors of mine every day is kind of big.  And I'm praying that the acknowledgement of it will allow me to open up the the Lord for His healing.  What an opportunity I have before me!

More on this another day... I've got to pray about and chew on this awhile.  And maybe I need to go back to question 1.

ETA: More on this subject here

February 20, 2010

This week's Facebook statuses

Here are some Facebook statuses I haven't posted during my respite, but are fun to share.  I am convinced one can share a lot about her life in one liners.

is fixing eggs and jelly toast for dinner!  Organic eggs really are worth paying for.

is having too many teen conversations with this four year old girl. This morning:  "Do I look great, Mom?"  Yesterday: "I don't want curly hair!  I want it to be long and straight and flow-ey."

is wondering, "Just really how poisonous is hot tea seasoned with clorox wipe?" and thankful I didn't find out.  What in the world possesses her sometimes, I do not know.

hears this question every day: "Can I wear my tank top and jeans skirt today?"  EvERy day!

has two little boys to parent well: a medicated one and a non-medicated one.  And boy, are they polar opposites!!

ahhhhhh!  8:15 at first awakening!

you know it's been a long few weeks when you cancel school for the day because it's 45 degrees and sunny outside!

has a very clean (and organized!) storage room.  That's always exciting.

February 19, 2010


Well, not really, but I'm sure ready for it!  Since I can't control the weather outside, I'll just fix it all up on my little online home.  :)  I'm also getting a bit more daring with html and finding ways to make my blog look a little more "me" and a little less cluttered.   Come on in and check it out.  I'd love to know what you think!  Every now and then it's fun to stay up late and play with it for a change.  Like rearranging furniture, only a whole lot easier on Robert!

While you're over, I'm curious what browser you all use to view my blog so I've put a poll on the left side.  Blogs look different on each computer and each browser, so I'm curious what most of you are using.


February 18, 2010

66 Love Letters, Larry Crabb

Oh my.

One of the areas in which I struggle in my perception of God is that familiarity of Him.  It is incredibly hard for me to picture Him as my "daddy," "papa," "friend," or anything else more familiar than authority figure, disciplinarian, holy, angry, all powerful God.  I don't know why, it's just very hard for me.  Interestingly enough, it is something I long for, to understand God as a friend, a familiar voice, a kind voice, someone who wants to be with me, someone who desires me and accepts me in my sinful state.  I have to say, I'm desperate to believe God loves me in this way, and ask Him regularly to help me overcome this unbelief.

I think He may be sending help to me! 

Excerpts of 66 Love Letters by Larry Crabb are coming to my inbox each day during this season before Easter.  

Notice the book on the top right corner and click at the bottom on READ.  You can read the first 35 pages of the book for free.  This one is definitely on my wish list.  Unfortunately for those of us on a new budget, it's just out, so there probably aren't any cheap, used copies to be had!

Here is the invitation:

Stop. Take a deep breath. Reflect...it's Lent.
Since the earliest days of the church, Christians have prepared for Easter by observing Lent. Lent is much more than a time to give up unhealthy foods or bad habits; it's an opportunity to unplug from our regular patterns, look truthfully at ourselves, and approach God with repentance and gratitude.

This year, we invite you to take the time to deepen your understanding of God’s love by reflecting on best-selling author, Dr. Larry Crabb's new book, 66 Love Letters: A Conversation with God that Invites You into His Story.

Sign up for this free service and you will receive, by email, a short reading for reflection every day during Lent's forty days. *

*Haven't observed Lent before? It is the forty-day period before Easter (not including Sundays) beginning on Ash Wednesday. This year Ash Wednesday is February 17 and Easter Sunday is April 4. The earliest Christians, during the apostolic era, understood Lent as an opportunity to refocus their lives, withdraw from usual practices, and draw closer to Christ.

We invite you to deepen your understanding of the joy of Easter by observing a prayerful and reflective Lent. Click the link below to receive daily emails during Lent containing passages fro Dr. Crabb's new book to help you focus your thoughts and begin your won conversations with God. Emails will begin on February 17.

I can guarantee you won't be sorry if you jump in and sign up.  They are short, so even if you don't have much time, these are definitely manageable.

February 17, 2010

My First Lenten Journey

I'm observing Lent for the first time, but in a quite unorthodox manner.  I have to say, I'm going at it a bit in the dark.  I've never observed Lent in any way before, except maybe to say different prayers at a liturgical church we attended when I was 12.  And one other memory is that one day a volcano erupted while I lived in Alaska and showered more than an inch of ash on Ash Wednesday. Clearly spiritual events, you can see!

I'm also going into it with a number of questions that probably make me sound quite skeptical.  What is the root of it, really, since it has no official basis in scripture?  (Not to mention that John Piper and John MacArthur have starkly opposing views on it!  How's that for confusing?!)   If I make sacrifices to grow closer to the Lord and avail myself more to Him, why should I only do these for forty days?  Shouldn't I give as much after Easter as before?  I'm always very leery of participating in something just because every body else does.  I don't want to jump in to and commit to something that isn't what the Lord is asking of me

So why am I observing something about which I have really no clue?  :)  I really don't know if it is Lent I'm observing or that it just happens to be at the same time.  I know that sounds ridiculous!  But I'm just being real!  It's probably just a matter of semantics, but one thing I guess I feel the need to have clear in my head is that an observance of Lent as a ritual draws me no nearer to him.  Randomly selecting something to give up without the Lord asking me to give them up is a recipe for failure for me, and I don't think it will really draw me nearer to Him.  

But I have been feeling for some time that I needed to give up, control, set limits, reduce time on, etc. Facebook and the Five In a Row message board.  These are two things that I allow to steal time from the good things I should be doing.  The reason they are such good time robbers is that they steal 3 minutes at a time.  I get distracted knowing it's just a minute, then chase conversations, threads, or photos until I've been there for 20 minutes.  And no, while I couldn't have gotten my dishes done in 3 minutes, I sure could have finished them in 20! I could have done a puzzle with Jacob, read a book to Mattie, cleared off my table, made a call on a bill, started dinner, cleaned the bathroom, etc.  You get the idea.  My lack of self-control with these two things has turned into outright sin that is hurting my main responsibility: managing my home.  So I'll be staying off these two websites except for Sundays, unless Sunday comes and I feel like I should avoid them too.  I'm still praying about it and I trust I'll know when Sunday comes.

My one other biggie that I hesitate to mention is coffee, because this is the true spiritual fast for me.  The Lord spoke this to me loud and clear.  I was hoping I heard wrong!  Coffee is an emotional beverage for me.  It reminds me of my growing up family, sitting around together visiting, loving each other.  There is comfort, familiarity and security in it.  And as ridiculous as it sounds, that is comfort, familiarity and security I need to be finding in Him as opposed to my favorite mug full of warmth, cream, and sugar.  

I'm praying that the Lord will draw me nearer to Him as I set my time apart for Him.  I'm praying that I will serve my family well and bring glory to Him as I'm more diligent with each and every minute of my days.  I'm praying that I would seek Him for familiarity, security and comfort.  And I'm praying that He would provide some answers on the entire season of Lent for starters!  If you know of any books or links written from an evangelical Christian perspective that have helped in your understanding of Lent, I'd be thankful if you'd share them.

February 15, 2010

Our dryer saga and a sweet little girl story.

About a month before we moved, so in April or May I guess, our dryer started taking a really long time to dry our clothes.  About twice as long, I guess.  In the midst of all the other craziness, it just wasn't high priority so we just let it go.

When we unhooked it to load the moving truck, we found a bird's nest (with eggs) in the dryer vent!  Well, no wonder it wasn't working!

Expecting that to be the fix, we moved it in here and hooked it up.  It did okay for a few weeks, but quickly seemed to be dying again.  And in the midst of all the craziness, we've just let it go because in the long run (ha... no pun intended), I had dry clothes.  Lately it's been taking 3 rounds through the dryer, and I'm starting to have to hang them up.

Anyway, the other day I got determined and went behind the dryer and unhooked it all, thinking there must be a clog that needed to be pulled out.  Boy did I get a surprise!!  (We've never had a dryer that wasn't right next to an exterior wall, so dryer venting ductwork was all new to us.)  We knew we had to clean it all out and finally decided today just to replace it all and start fresh.  So we had quite a romantic Valentine's Day!

This was what I found in the dryer Sunday when I took it all apart to vacuum it!

And Robert's find in the ductwork!  No wonder...
I think the bird's nest must have clogged up the vent so that the dryer filled up with junk unbenknownst to us. Combine that with a 20 ft long, really full vent duct and you get 3 hour drying times and a high electric bill.  Thankfully dryers these days are built so that the heating element shuts off if the dryer is not exhausting properly.

Lessons learned... Vacuum out the bottom of your dryer more often than every 9 years.  Check your ductwork and clean it out too before you assume your dryer needs to be repaired.  And praise the Lord for google!  He saved us a new heating element and house fire!  The funny this is the dryer actually sounds different now.

And there is a sweet reason to post this very boring dryer story...

Mattie walked into the laundry closet while Robert was working at the other end (in another room) and he started talking to her.  When she asked where he was, he told her a fairy named Lucia had taken him into the pipe.  She so desperately wanted to go too!  She wanted the fairy to come and get her too, so she told the fairy (Robert had that voice goin' on too) that she was her most beautiful favorite fairy and she wanted to meet her.

It was so sad to see her genuine longing to go with the fairy and daddy.  I was so sad for her that he was just pretending!  Doesn't that face make you wish she could go too?

February 14, 2010

So Long Insecurity Week 1

Back to the online group therapy...

As you can see from my sidebar, I'm reading So Long Insecurity.  I'm also participating in the online study, meaning Beth Moore will offer some questions and discussion to help us get more out of the book.  Then on April 24, I'll be attending her simulcast of the same name.  Let me tell you, between this book and Breaking Free, I'm going to be a new woman by May!!  Look out, Robert!!

I thought I'd post my answers here for several reasons.  It's an effort for transparency and to encourage others to read the book, assuming you aren't 100% secure.  :)  Plus it's so good for me to have to write something down.  Knowing that there are 6000 women doing the "online study," I'm likely to not ever post there.  But if I don't have to write out an answer, I'm likely to not think all the way through it.  And quite frankly, some of you may be the ones I'm least likely to share these things with in conversation, so openly writing them here helps me safely let some walls down.  So here you are.  

Our first question is based on Chapter One: When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting. 
Just last night as I wore snowflake socks on our date.  All night long I kept trying to keep my pants down so they wouldn't show.  I felt like my happy socks belonged on a trip to WalMart, not at Olive Garden.

This question is based on Chapter Two: what part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?

Hold on.  Have to go get the book because I underlined a lot!  Here's my paraphrase and input on what stuck out to me:
~I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong... even when I haven't done something wrong!  It is very disconcerting to me to have someone upset at me, whether or not it's really my fault.
~It is very hard for me when I learn that someone doesn't like me.  (And I've tried the change-myself-to-be-more-likeable and it doesn't work.  Actually just caused more pain when they still didn't like me.  Going through that all rocked my world.)
~My best cover is perfectionism.  Typically I work very, very hard to do my best at things.  If I know right off the bat that my best isn't good enough, I'll step back and let someone else do it.
~I have a very hard time not obsessing about a situation if someone is angry at me.  I cannot stand to not have it made right.
~I am very sensitive to the climate of a relationship.  I am very quick to think I must have done something wrong if one is irritable or frustrated, even if I haven't been around to cause the problem.  I always assume it is my fault and apologize constantly.  I'm pretty sure I drive Robert crazy with this.  (Sadly, I see this in Jacob.  Lord help me break this cycle so I he doesn't grow up this way!)

So there you have it.  I'm eager to see what else calls my name as I read this book.  I'm struggling a bit with doing both Breaking Free and this book.  It's a lot to keep up with, especially because I always prefer to just sit and pray when I have time to be quiet.  I'm asking the Lord to make me notice what He wants me to see and trusting Him to do just that so I don't end up cutting short my prayer time to read a human written book.

Recent Simple Pleasures

I think it's time to call these posts something else... something that ascribes credit to the One who's blessing me with these simple things.  Simple gifts, maybe.  That's not really any better.  Whatever I call them, here are a few of late, just in case you were starting to think you'd joined an online therapy group!

Sweet, sweet time with the Lord coming from the blessing of discipline in getting out of bed.
Sweet answers to prayers, in my heart and external circumstances.
A renewed enjoyment of Him and hunger for Him.
Challenges to get through, the relief that comes in the process and the peace that He offers on the other side.
Breaking FREE!
Opportunities to write and work things out.  Writing is so therapeutic for me.

The little girl turning FOUR! and her excitement at it being her day.
Jacob telling Mattie he'd play whatever she wanted all day for her birthday.
Jacob being brave and pulling out his tooth.
Listening to the kids play together sweetly first thing in the morning.
A new points earning system that's working well and affording us good family time together.

A delightful evening out with Robert!  (The first one since my birthday... waaaaaaaay too long.)
A hardworking handyman of a husband.
A working dryer!  (That deserves it's own post.)
A husband who makes me laugh really hard.

A beautiful, well-loved quilt of my grandma's on our bed.
A major room switch that we're all happy with.

Are you making your lists of the joys He offers in your days?  God is so good to us!  And it is good for my soul to notice the little things.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Robert and I went out on our date last night while the kids stayed at a friend's house.  They had so. much. fun!  We picked them up with Mattie already bathed and in jammies!  :)  Came home, got the kids in bed and watched the Olympics until we couldn't keep our eyes open anymore.

I'm normally not on the ball to do any of this fun stuff for my kids, though I always feel bad later that I didn't get it done.  Plus, now Jacob is much more caring about stuff like this! So this is what they woke up to this morning.

I made their cards and wrote them with personal notes about what we love about them and why we're proud of them.  I think Jacob especially needs things like this to go back and remember on hard days... specific things that are good about him- not just things he does, but things he is.  (He is so much like his mama!!)  He read Mattie's to her, read his out loud, then ran over to give me a hug.  Jacob is sooooooo much a "words of affirmation" kid and it is very clear it fills him up when I do special things for him!

The bears and plates I got at Wal Mart impulsively last week, but they were worth the $10 I spent altogether.  They have named and carried their bears around all day!  And of course, done some sword fighting, wrestling and dancing as well.

Their special breakfast was heart shaped peanut butter toast on their heart shaped plates.  Jacob wanted me to take a picture of them.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

February 12, 2010

I'm stuck. Well, maybe not anymore.

In doing Breaking Free, I've been studying five obstacles to our liberty.  One obstacle, of course, is pride.  Another (of mine) is fear.  And I have to say, I'm stuck here.  For me they are intertwined and I think I've had them all confused.

I struggle with fear of:
not being "good enough" to be noticed.
being abandoned for the better looking one. 
(this has nothing to do with my marriage, it ties in with the one above).
being satisfactory.
being rejected.
being mocked.

My fear of being mocked is an interesting one.  Follow me here for a sec.  I'm quite willing to admit that I make mistakes.  I am very quick to apologize when I am convicted of sin, or even when I just think I may need to to make sure I'm at peace with someone.  I know I can't do anything good in my own strength.  I don't mind admitting these things to people I would deem "safe." People I know will love me.

But I have a very hard time throwing myself out there and admitting all of the above when I believe I'll be mocked for it.
"You just now figured that out?"
"Naw.  You don't mean it."
"You?  Wrong?  I didn't know that ever happened?"
" **Insert any sarcastic remark to add levity to what might be a serious moment, but leaves me feeling quite foolish in my moment of vulnerability.** "
Or even worse, being artificially supported face to face only to find out later I've been mocked behind my back.

I also know I struggle with pride and it manifests itself in many ways... that's a whole 'nother post!  But what I think I've realized is that my seeming unwillingness to some people to admit my faults and change my opinions is actually a fear of their mockery that will follow, a major fear of it.  And that fear masquerades itself as pride and stubbornness.

I want to be transparent about my weaknesses.  I want to be real about my faults.  I want to be honest about my failures.  But I don't want to be mocked for them when I am moved to admit them.  I am fearful of admitting weaknesses, faults and failures because I feel like if I don't protect myself, no one will.

I learned something the other day, though.  

God's got my back.  

He loves me when no one else does.  He is concerned with my heart, not my hair, face, nose, body, clothes, children's behavior, or amount of approval or admiration by others.  He is genuinely proud of me when I admit I'm wrong.  He won't ever reject me.  I don't have to be at the head of the class to get His attention.  I don't have to get Him to notice me.  He won't. mock. me.  Ever.

He wants me.

I have nothing to fear with Him.

I have nothing to fear with Him!

February 11, 2010

Just wanted to clarify

In regards to this post I just posted a few hours ago:

I was thinking about how insulting this could have sounded to Robert!  When I say I envy her life, it is not the lack of husband I envy... not at all!  Rather the addition of and opportunity to change the lives of many needy children.

Just wanted to clarify that for his sake.  I sure don't want him thinking I'd rather I never married him.

I just realized something.

It just occurred to me that when Robert is bothered by the kids, I feel like it's my fault.  

I realized that I feel like it's my fault they're not quiet enough, or obedient enough, or considerate enough, or sleeping well enough, or responsive enough, or _________, or _________ that somehow I should have been able to intervene before everyone got frustrated with each other.  Or I haven't worked hard enough at training them.  When I'm the frustrated one, I guess I'm too busy being frustrated to feel like a failure!  Or I feel like a failure as a mother, because I know better than to act out of frustration in the first place.

When the kids frustrate Robert, however, I feel like a failure as his wife (because one of my jobs as his wife is to raise our children) and that goes much deeper.

In Robert's defense, he doesn't complain about how I mother our children.  And I'm not posting this because I want anyone to tell me I'm not a failure.  It was just an interesting revelation I had a few minutes ago.  And quite a messed up one, I know!

Had to Share This

You guys know my heart and struggle with wanting to do more, help more, love more concretely, give more...

Here is a beautiful post written by someone whose life I envy!  I know I don't know the half of it, but still.

February 09, 2010

I couldn't resist.

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
 needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
 gas with the beat of the music.

 After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
 and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

 Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


...and how was your day? 

Just to be clear... this is not a real story of mine!  It is a joke.  :)  If this really happened to me, I'd NEVER admit to it!

Two good days... thousands to go.

I've been feeling pretty on edge lately and wondering if I needed to go back on my medicine.  I really don't want to because I stopped taking it because I felt like it made me want to eat all. the. time.  I've also known that I had some hormones (dern things) that needed to settle down as I switched things up, so I've been trying to hold out.

When I went to my doctor in July he told me that one option was 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week could do as well as any antidepressant in my case, but Robert was out of town for two weeks after that and I was too far in a hole to make myself do it.

For the past couple of weeks I've been getting up early to have my quiet times, and most days I get some time before the kids awake.  One morning I thought I'd have time later in the day so I slept in and that day was horrible!  I missed that time!  Anyway,  yesterday I was awake so I got up even earlier and had time to exercise too.  I thoroughly enjoyed it!  I started out on the wii fit, then passed it on to the kids and headed in to the treadmill.  Thus far I have not enjoyed the treadmill frankly, because I get really bored!  But with my new phone I had music to play full blast (so I didn't know if the kids were fighting!) and I just walked away!  I had to stop because we had somewhere to be, but I didn't want to.  I was having my own little church!

The day went soooooo well yesterday.  I felt much, much better and it translated into my kids attitudes as well.  (Funny how that happens!)  Got up again today without any trouble and expect the same result.

I usually lose my motivation to exercise consistently because I don't really need to lose weight, but feeling better is something that matters to me.  Ending up more fit will be a secondary bonus.

Hope You have a great day!

February 07, 2010

Mattie's Birthday

First off, I just have to say that birthdays that fall on Sundays are for the birds!!  And Jacob's hits a Sunday this year too.  Ugh.  But on to positive things.


Mattie has had a great day today!  Here's what her day has held in case you didn't get to be a part of it...

She got up and got ready for church quickly so she could open presents before we left.  She got chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast!

Then she got to hold her first bird!  This little guy flew into our window and hurt his foot.  He hung around for a bit seeming pretty dazed.

After church we ate a quick lunch (pizza!!) and then had her Tinkerbell birthday party with Hannah, her cousin with whom she shares a birthday!  

We had the party in the gym at church.  It's a great place to have it... especially with my house looking the way it did this morning!  (Are we the only ones who leave a large wake on Sunday mornings?)

Here's the 8 year old birthday girl!

Jacob decided to give skating a try again.
I have soooo many cute pictures of the party attendees I didn't even know where to start with sharing them.

These preschoolers are apparently not claustrophobic.

A sign of the times.

Happy Birthday, Mattie!

Now on to the junk food (and allergy) recovery plan...

Happy Birthday, Mattie!

Happy 4th Birthday, Little Girl!
We LOVE You!

February 06, 2010

Ya' think??


He used the Avon body paint soap. I guess he's allergic to it!

February 03, 2010

February 02, 2010

My Sweet Surprise

The other morning I heard the doorbell and on my porch was a package.  The return address was a friend in Alaska that I have reconnected with through Facebook, and I was very curious as to what she might be sending me.

Imagine my surprise as I opened the package and found this quilt!!  A beautiful, handmade quilt!  The colors are perfect for my living room, and the fabrics couldn't be more "me."

In with it was a note thanking me for the relationship we had when I was 15!  She and I were good friends then.  She had small children very close together and I was sort of a mother's helper to her, though I enjoyed time with her and loved her kids, so it wasn't much like helping.  And I'm pretty sure she paid me!  She just felt the desire to share one of her quilts with me as a thank you.  I have to say, she made me cry.  It was just a very sweet, surprise blessing.  One I won't forget!  I don't think I've ever received a hand made gift "just because."  And maybe because I've quilted and I know how much time and effort it takes to create a quilt, I appreciate it even more.

  I've enjoyed it all week as I have it right on the couch where I've been sitting for my quiet time each morning.  It's just the right size.

Thank you, Carla!