February 12, 2010

I'm stuck. Well, maybe not anymore.

In doing Breaking Free, I've been studying five obstacles to our liberty.  One obstacle, of course, is pride.  Another (of mine) is fear.  And I have to say, I'm stuck here.  For me they are intertwined and I think I've had them all confused.

I struggle with fear of:
not being "good enough" to be noticed.
being abandoned for the better looking one. 
(this has nothing to do with my marriage, it ties in with the one above).
being satisfactory.
being rejected.
being mocked.

My fear of being mocked is an interesting one.  Follow me here for a sec.  I'm quite willing to admit that I make mistakes.  I am very quick to apologize when I am convicted of sin, or even when I just think I may need to to make sure I'm at peace with someone.  I know I can't do anything good in my own strength.  I don't mind admitting these things to people I would deem "safe." People I know will love me.

But I have a very hard time throwing myself out there and admitting all of the above when I believe I'll be mocked for it.
"You just now figured that out?"
"Naw.  You don't mean it."
"You?  Wrong?  I didn't know that ever happened?"
" **Insert any sarcastic remark to add levity to what might be a serious moment, but leaves me feeling quite foolish in my moment of vulnerability.** "
Or even worse, being artificially supported face to face only to find out later I've been mocked behind my back.

I also know I struggle with pride and it manifests itself in many ways... that's a whole 'nother post!  But what I think I've realized is that my seeming unwillingness to some people to admit my faults and change my opinions is actually a fear of their mockery that will follow, a major fear of it.  And that fear masquerades itself as pride and stubbornness.

I want to be transparent about my weaknesses.  I want to be real about my faults.  I want to be honest about my failures.  But I don't want to be mocked for them when I am moved to admit them.  I am fearful of admitting weaknesses, faults and failures because I feel like if I don't protect myself, no one will.

I learned something the other day, though.  

God's got my back.  

He loves me when no one else does.  He is concerned with my heart, not my hair, face, nose, body, clothes, children's behavior, or amount of approval or admiration by others.  He is genuinely proud of me when I admit I'm wrong.  He won't ever reject me.  I don't have to be at the head of the class to get His attention.  I don't have to get Him to notice me.  He won't. mock. me.  Ever.

He wants me.

I have nothing to fear with Him.

I have nothing to fear with Him!

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