January 08, 2012

Good, not Tame

Sorry for the blog desertion. Not that anyone notices! But to be honest, I haven't really known what to write. I'm kind of in a weird place right now, and have been begging God to help me out of this place for more than several months.

We watched Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe for the first time last night and I loved every minute of it. Jacob and I read the books together a few years ago but hadn't seen the movie yet.  My favorite line is coming back to me still:  Mr Tumnus says as Aslan walks away at the very end, "After all, He's not a tame Lion."  And Lucy says in response, "No.  But He is good." 

I was also struck with the names Aslan chose for the kids at the end... especially with "Edmund, the Just."  Amazing that "just" is what Aslan calls the traitor.  Makes me wonder what He'd pick for me.

I've been in a strange spiritual funk for several months, but I can't really put my finger on what my trouble is. I try to put it in to words, but it never really makes sense.  I think watching the movie and actually longing to sit and watch it again it has all made me realize that I'm missing the heart of God.  Whether it's my circumstances that have me discouraged (I really don't think that's it), minor depression (my sister in law's idea I hadn't thought of, but it seems to make sense), or other things, I don't know.  I miss Him though, even though I'm seeking Him.  It's like these things I'm hearing - good things - are going in and being pondered, but falling flat.  I don't know.  I totally don't get it.  Anyway, as odd as it sounds, I'm longing to hang on to His goodness even though I know it's right in front of me.

I think in seeing His wrath in the Old Testament, I'm also realizing as much as much as He was against those who didn't acknowledge Him, how much He is for me now.  He will fight for me as much as He fought for His people three or four thousand years ago.  All He asks of me is to choose Him.  I think I'm growing a stronger heart for those who don't have Him on their side, and in doing that having a hard time trusting His heart, because it's hard to imagine why He does some of the things He does.  But as I learn about Him, it's not about fitting Him into my box.  It's not my job to tame Him.  It's my job to believe He is good.

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