Trust vs. Apathy

A bit of background...

We're had several months of stress around here...
January, February-painting 3000sq feet of the interior of our old house;
February, March, April-extended family upheaval, the likes of which I've never experienced before and I sure hope to never experience again;
March- deciding whether or not to continue with any infertility options that might be available to us or if we think we're just done;
March, April- negotiating a contract on our house (for 4 weeks!), including settling on a house we didn't get to choose, but one that will suffice and free up a buyer for our much too large house;
April, May- packing and moving;
May, June- getting settled in to our new home, only to find many things unclean and in disrepair (we left our house in excellent condition) creating a pretty good sized to do list.

And through all of this time, Robert has been fighting some sort of illness that seems to come and go. We haven't a clue what it is, but it is coming more than going lately and getting more severe. He is far from living up to par and feeling well.

So in the past month or so, I've been feeling like I can't keep my head above water, my emotional head. Typically, it's not like me to cry more than a few times a year. I love to chat on the phone, go to play dates and other social get-togethers. I love to be with the special needs children in my Sunday School class. But lately I cry almost every day if not several times, don't feel like answering the phone or getting together with people and it's usually a few days before I feel like calling people back. It's so not me! I've been sad a lot, and many times for good reason. But I can't keep going on this way.

I've been wondering if I may need an antidepressant for a time... to be not so sad, to be disappointed but not cry about it, to talk on the phone without acting like I'm fine, to be able to be strong for our family, to be genuinely cheerful with my children. I've been more than hesitant to make an appointment with my doctor because I am pretty sure he'd give me a prescription if I asked for it. And I want to be sure there's not something else I should do first.

Two nights ago I asked God to show Himself to me. I needed Him to show Himself to me, I realized and confessed that I hadn't been seeking Him like I should, and that it was my fault I wasn't seeing Him. And I've been seeing a WALL of my hurts, needs and challenges in front of me instead of His grace, love, hope, mercy, and JOY!

It occurred to me yesterday that in all of our busyness and stress, I haven't made the time to seek the Lord. I'm not repeating His word to myself through the day, I haven't had worship music on in my house for 2 months because we have no stereo now, I have no routine to spend time with him because in this house, my kids are playing outside with neighbors where I need to watch them, so I have less time. I've been exhausted, so I'm going to sleep and not getting up early. I've been through other times where I haven't had time with the Lord consistently, but the challenges haven't been the same.

We're doing VBS this week and many of our song motions are based on sign language signs. The sign for "trust" is two hands stacked on each other as if gripping a rope tightly. And God showed me that's not what I have been doing. Today as we were singing our VBS songs and clinging to an imaginary rope, I realized I haven't been clinging at all. I've been apathetic and let the rope fall out of my reach. By definition, trust implies instinctive unquestioning belief in and reliance upon something. And that belief and reliance comes through seeking Him. So for today, I have found the rope and gripped it again. Praise God He left it right within my reach.

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.
Psalm 28:7

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
Psalm 56:3

O LORD of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!
Psalm 84:12

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P.S. None of this is to say that I don't really have a chemical imbalance. Or that you don't have a chemical imbalance if you've needed medicine in the past or now. :) I think I have a lot of chemicals out of balance! I just felt a nudging to be sure I was being accountable to my relationship with my source of Life first. When I'm in the Word consistently and filling my mind with things of Him, if I'm still drowning, I'll ask for help. And now that I've put this out in the open, I'd imagine a few of you might check on me too.