April 19, 2010

It's always interesting

It's always interesting to look back at the blog posts I have published in the past.  The number of posts per month is pretty indicative of my state of being during a certain time, and that certainly holds true for the past few weeks here!  I miss writing when I'm not here, but in times like this, it takes too much effort to put thoughts in order.  Even cathartic activities take too much work sometimes.

Over the past two weeks (has it really been only 13 days?!):
I've attended a trial of a falsely accused family member, only to end up testifying and watching her be wrongly convicted.  I knew I would be sad if this did not go well, but I never imagined what the emotional depth of my reaction would be.  I was in a fog for three days, grieving for the loss of freedom, the arrogance I saw on "the other side," fear of our judicial system, three children who won't see their mother face to face for possibly ten years, and a myriad of other things.  All the while knowing in my head that the Lord could have stopped the entire sequence of events at any second.  He could have, but He didn't, and He will use this for His glory.  I'm sure of it.  It is consolation, and it offers hope.

Two days later, I had the annual Luke 14 County Fair event of which I'm the co-director.  I had to snap out of the fog and process all sorts of details for this huge event.  Not to mention I wanted to be enjoying every minute of it!  I'll write an entire post about that eventually.

I had family arrive (before Luke 14, actually), as the day after Luke 14 was Jacob's birthday!  I can't believe my firstborn is EIGHT!  I can't believe I let it go here without acknowledging it.  My mom, sister, sister in law and their two boys were here for a few days following.  It was so good to have babies in the house again!  While I still would give just about anything to be there again ("there" being diapers, teething, spit up, new smiles and words), there was a new rest in knowing that I'm okay with this stage I'm in now.  I was the only one who got to sit down next to the lake.  I can walk around the block (and actually get my heart rate up) with my kids and count it as exercise.  It's good, but it's hard too.

This two weeks has brought so many emotions!  Highs and lows, really.  It's brought incredible busy-ness with a lack of time to handle the lows, which brought a very familiar feeling... one that told me I was heading for shut down if I didn't slow down.  I recognized those feelings of wanting to sit on the couch and stare at nothing, of having to get through this day without knowing when rest would come, of having to do things for other people when I could hardly make myself put my next sentence in order, of wanting to go crawl in a hole just because life outside the hole required too much thought.

But God gave me little doses of strength to get to the next pit stop!  He gave me what I needed to make it through each day well and survive until I could rest!  It took 4 days to recover and get things back in order, when I normally could have done it in one day.  I just couldn't get myself focused to do it.  Robert was so good to pick up my slack without my even asking him!

While it's good to have a very physical feeling to let me know when I'm doing too much (though most of this was out of my control), it's unnerving wondering if I will struggle with this forever.  After really sinking fully into depression last summer, it's like my mind has a new normal that has less tolerance for overload than it used to.  I guess it's always good to have a very clear picture of our abundant need for Him!

So that's what I've been doing since April 2.  I have several things I want to post about, each with pictures.  Maybe over the next few days...


Anonymous said...

I think that is *precisely* why God allows us to fall back into that "overwhelmed" state...as I have noticed I have NEVER been the same since my first serious bout with depression nearly 5 years ago. I *need* that reminder (unfortunately, as a human) that I am SO very desperate for Him. I can't make it one day without His grace pouring out in my life.

I also have been very convicted about simplifying...and that is just something you have to pray about. God has shown me that I need Him so desperately, while at the same time reminding me that I am human, and must not continue to say "yes" to things that aren't His best for me. Not saying you are doing that, just something to think and pray about. :)

I know those feelings all too well, and honestly...4 days is pretty darn good if you ask me!! :) I'm not glad you were in that place, but I know from personal experience that those places have been such huge times of growth for me, so I know God is up to good for you as well!!

Barb said...

I am sorry the trial did not go well, friend! Praying for the family member to seek the Lord!!

Praying for you to continue to find rest in Him and to know what NEEDS to be done and what can be let go!!