God has said it's time to move on. And I told Him I'm willing, but I can't do it alone.
About three years ago I felt like the Lord told me a very clear "no" in response to my asking for more children. I was pretty sure that's what I heard, and grieved as if He'd written it on my wall. I wept at the loss of my dreams, struggled through a few months and a few more options, and got rid of some baby stuff, though I saved a lot "just in case." Slowly, though, I began to question if that's really what I heard. Some well meaning friends said they didn't really think that's what I heard. I noticed many times in scripture where God gave children to a woman who prayed long enough. I thought maybe this was just "no for now" and justified my continuing hope with that. But under all of it, I knew.
I wasn't angry or bitter. I was just sad. I was afraid that if I stopped asking it would make Him think I'd stopped hoping, and if I stopped hoping He'd forget how badly I really wanted this.
Last weekend through some sweet fellowship with women, teaching and communion with Him, God made it clear it's time to move into a new chapter. It's time to put this hope of another pregnancy behind me and look ahead at what He has for me. Maybe it is just "no for now," but I can't live in the "for now" anymore. I have asked Him to show me what it looks like to accept that gracefully. What do I do differently?
Does it mean I stop wondering?
Does it mean I stop contemplating?
Does it mean I stop hoping?
I do know it means I'm to pass on all of my stuff I was saving "just in case."
I did that yesterday.
And I didn't even cry.
I know it means I'm to stop asking Him for my miracle and graciously accept His answer. And yes, it means I'm to stop hoping.
I believe it means I'm to stop perceiving myself in the middle of the wilderness of infertility. I believe He's brought me out of the wilderness, it's just that the milk and honey don't taste quite like I expected.
I have a few things I'm asking of Him:
Show me, God, that You know how much this hurts me.
Redeem my pain and heartache. Help me use it for Your glory and others' good.
Help me see Your sweet face.
Help me see Your sweet face.
Give me courage. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do for You.
5 comments:
I'm sorry, Melissa. That's a good prayer.
Christ in you is brave and strong. I am so thankful for you that you can hear and discern the voice of God. What a gift. I am so sorry you are hurting, though. I am sorry that this is His answer, but I know His plans for you are good. He delights over you.
I want to squeeze you so tight!!!
Ahh Lissa...it's been weeks since I read this (with tears pouring down my face), and I know we've even talked about it, but I wanted to let you know again how much I love you, and how much I wish I could somehow change this for you. I wish this didn't have to hurt you so much. But, know that in the midst of this, watching you walk through this trial with such strength and trust in Him is such an inspiration to me, and thank you for being such an amazing example of a godly woman! I love you sis.
I hurt for you but I'm thankful that God uses you words to express my feelings on a very different hurt. Your words remind me that I'm not alone in my requests to God.
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